Sometimes, I don't know what to say. I know that this may come as a shock to those of you who know me but honestly it is true. When things happen that I don't understand or am confused by. I feel the need to speak up but never know what to say. I am a human defense system. I only let certain people in but I am very outgoing. I love meeting new people and being the center of attention. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Of course then there is that side of me where I am so scared that people might find out what I am thinking or what I am feeling and I want to run away to protect them.

There is something called an inner circle, well that is what my friend Jason calls it, where you only let certain people in on the intimate details of your life. I don't know about this. I mean there are probably four people in this group who I can totally open up to. This is just as scary though because now there are five people who know things I never wanted to admit to myself. So, for someone who loves all the attention; I have always longed for intimacy but relished in my shallow friendships. Does this make me a bad person or am I still too young to realize this is exactly what I need? I have always wanted a David-Johnathon friendship and those things are starting to happen in my life. I have this amazing wife. Yet I am scared. Mostly of myself and making that next step. Of course in the very core of what I am saying you find cliche and truth. Is life lived out and life lived in your head always going to be this dichotomy? Can the two ever truly come together? I want to want to live life to the fullest and I am in love with the idea of Carpe Diem but is it achievable? Does everyone need to know what is going on with me? Where is this line? Is it indelible or flexible? Is it all just one big lesson?

Hiding in a Word

So, I have not blogged for real in a while so here goes:

So, honestly I haven't felt very "churchy" lately. I don't even remember the last time I went to church. When I was in high school I went to church all the time. Then two internships later I was pretty much done. Then comes Vintage and it was exciting and new but then came complacency. Life butted in and church well it went further down on the list than God. I am not sure why it went but it just seemed easier to not go. I don't want to be asked how I am doing because I may just tell you. I don't want to pretend that God and I are on the best terms right now. I want to hide in my sin.

Honestly, we (church goers) all hide in our favorite word sin. Seriously, sin is the catch all. What would church look like if Christians could admit to themselves their sin and then have a place to openly admit their sin and I am speaking specifics. I read an article about this once in Relevant Magazine about how a teenage girl walks in to a church pregnant she can't hide her sin. However, the porn addicted pastor never has to let the congregation in on his sin. This word is his protection. Who is to blame? Well everyone really. I don't want you to know the intimate details of my sin life. The church doesn't really want to know them either. Well then what about that whole confess your sins to one another thing? I have two good guy friends who know my sin and the major struggles that come with my particular sin. They too share in my struggle. Is this following that biblical model? I just feel that sin is our cop out. Of course then again it protects us. I honestly think someone needs to know about your sin, all the details, before it blows up. Other than that I don't have the answers.

I could walk through the church doors and pretend that everything is okay but that makes me a liar. I don't want to break down in front of you. I am protecting myself. I lie to myself. It is easier for me to live in my world than even try to pretend in yours. Is Vintage like this? Not really but I see church as a place I dread. I once loved it but now it is this thing I don't want to do on Sunday mornings. I'll talk about God when I am ready. Life is tough and I guess you have to experience this to accept it. I just can't believe how angry, sad, torn up, and just devastated I become on a day to day basis. There is a war and honestly it is a hard one to fight. Harder than I ever knew it could be. I don't want to cry anymore about my sin, I want it gone. It doesn't work that way though does it? God, why not? Can't I just pray it away like the televangelists suggest? Can't I just ignore it? Why can't I have release...?

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Nothing!

Life

So, life is slowing down a little bit because the fall semester is over. It was a really tough one. I am hoping that everything balances out now. I will blog more later just glad things have finally calmed down.

Friends...

You know it is really nice to have them. I guess I didn't ever realize that until this past semester. Heather and I have met some great people at JBU. I now have guys that I can hang with and they know me really well. It is really cool. We only have 1 week left then finals. JOY!

Symbols, Signs, and Statements of Hate

Well first I am just going to state that I find the "rebel flag" offensive. I know that some people say it isn't a sign for racism and that is just "southern" pride. Why not have pride in the whole country? The Civil War ended over a hundred years ago perhaps it is time to let it go. So, my problem with this "southern" pride argument is that the swastika, most commonly known as the Nazi symbol, wasn't always a symbol of hate. It is a part of the Hindu religion and as a long past before Hitler used it as the banner for the slaughter of millions. Now, however, the swastika is a symbol of hatred and those displaying it are considered evil. Yet the "rebel flag" still pulls controversy. If it stands for racism to most people then guess what that is what it symbolizes. You may not think that the "rebel flag" is offensive but it is. You may be hindu and use the swastika in another way but it is still going to offend. Maybe I am way off base but this is what I think.

Another thing is why on earth do people feel it neccesary to make hateful comments? I can not tell you how many times in the past week I have heard the word "fag" used to put someone down or show some kind of superiority. Now, I am not sure but I figure the people that use this word so freely do not have any homosexual friends or they might hesitate in their use of this offensive word. I also witnessed racist assumption against a hispanic couple. It has been a trying week and ignorance abounds. I am not sure that I am the one to change it but it really bothers me.

Men

What an oddly titled post right? Well, quite frankly I am just tired of my gender. For some reason if you do not fit in to societies norm of what a man is you are gay. Well, whatever. If you like fashion and try to follow the trends... gay. If you like decorating your house...gay. If you like musicals...gay. If you are expressive...gay. If you are willing to show your emotions...gay. Seriously? Why do people need to box you in? I just don't get it. So, I have accepted this and I don't care anymore. I am going to be me. Oh and by the way gay men are men no matter who they sleep with. A penis is the only thing that makes you a man.

When you least expect it...

People you help try to hurt you because they can't handle the truth the Lord has placed in their lives. It is too hard for them to realize that you are just doing what you feel is best. I guess some people need to have drama. You know I am a dramatic person. I love acting and being goofy and making things fun. I do not have time, however, for people you need bad drama in their lives. Why does everything need to be turned in to the end of the world? What I really don't understand is when people have kids why they can't put their drama aside to take care of those kids. I don't have kids and I have no idea how hard it is to raise them. I won't even pretend I do. I do think that those children don't need to live in a world of unnecessary drama. You have to buck up and get through for them. Easier said than done... but what isn't? I again don't have kids and could be speaking out of turn. I do know that children will emulate their parents and that should be cause enough to set a good example. I struggle to care for people who reach out for help and advice and then turn away and get mad because you tried to help. They didn't hear what they wanted to hear and now are trying to get mad at you to justify their actions. I just don't want to play that game.

Teen Group

Heather and I have the great fortune of leading a small group of teenagers at our church. Now, I mean small there are two people. Numbers really don't matter. We had an amazing discussion tonight about how God inspires us. He gives us our passion and we can use that to His glory. It was really exciting. I am glad I get to hang out with my wife and two extremely intelligent kids.

The Same Damn Thing...

Do you ever feel like the way you view life can sound like a broken record? Lately, I just feel busy. I feel like I tell people I am busy a lot. You know I am busy but I am so fortunate to be busy with the things I am busy with. I am able to go to a rigorous school and get an education. I am able to only have to get a part time job. I am fortunate to be living life with my best friend by my side. God has blessed me. So, I am adopting a new philosophy; just deal with it. I need to manage my time and proceed. God has provided amazingly.

Life is hectic...

Tonight, is the first night that I have not had homework all semester. Sadly, this statement isn't even true. Technically I am supposed to be reading some of The Republic by Plato. I have decided, however, that I will do it tomorrow. What does one do with a night off? I went to the library to get books for a Medieval Faire that is coming up. I had two test this week. Last week was midterms. I just feel really out of it. I am glad I can do nothing tonight. However, as I approach the doing "nothing" I realize I can't do nothing. Sad.

Update on life: Heather has had a migraine for the past couple of days. Boo! These wicked little headaches are just evil. She has pretty much been out of commission. I have two job opportunities coming up. The first is at Sprint which isn't terribly exciting but the hours are fantastic. Also, it is a small store. The second is at Barnes & Noble. Sounds great but it is in the Cafe which isn't so great plus the hours are much longer. Who knows which it'll be. I guess when you're going to school a job is a job.

Pity Party: I feel very disconnected lately. I am not sure why, I just do. I mean from everything. I am busy with school and adding a job. Church just seems to be a Sunday thing now. We are leading a small group for teens which is cool. I am going to focus on that and hopefully connect with some awesome teens. The group is small but that is okay because it is easier to build relationships with them. Monday, we had to cancel our meeting because Heather and I had a really hard/bad day. Wednesday, I had a horrible day. Here is to the weekend.

Thanks for indulging the pity party. It makes me feel better.

A Good Night...

So, I am at Arsagas drinking blackberry tea. I am listening to The Shins. I did homework with my wife. So, all in all a pretty perfect night.

Fall Break

So, apparently John Brown University has a ton of days in its academic year. So, we get a fall break to offset the amount of days we are in school. Pretty cool. So, today and tomorrow we get to do whatever. After, moving again this weekend fall break is awesome. I must say though that the weather in Arkansas is about to drive me crazy. We are on FALL aka Autumn break and it is 80 + degrees outside. I want cooler weather. I love COLD weather. Why oh why? Global warming...?

Why do people let you down?

I have always known that people will let you down. It is just sad when the people you expect to not let you down do. I know we can only truly rely on God to not let us down but it still hurts when people who are close to us don't seem to care. It simply amazes me that one comment can destroy someone. It is so sad how careless people can be with their words. However, in the times of feeling like proverbial red-headed step child God will put people in your life you never expected. When I expect a group of people to care and they don't who picks up the slack? Surprisingly, God puts people there who will. My parents and Heather's dad have really come through for us in the past few months. While they continue their support some professors at JBU are even bringing us food this weekend because we are moving for the 3rd time in the past 2 months. This is so incredible of them. I really feel like the faculty at JBU cares above and beyond their calls as Professors. This is just cool.

So... Overwhelmed comes to mind.

So, I am a classic overachiever. I hate the grade "B". Much to my dismay I found myself with a "D" on an Advanced English Grammar test. JBU is a lot harder than I thought it would be. However, I am taking care of things on the grade end by studying harder and slowing down. Then there is the fact that I have no job. I want a job but I don't have one. This stresses me out. On top of that Heather and I are moving again this Saturday. This time in to an apartment in Fayetteville with her dad. Oh and I feel completely disconnected from my family, friends, and church. I need some breathing space. I need my creative outlet. I am blogging as a sad attempt to release some tension. I am also reacting horribly to all the "seasonal allergies" floating around. All in all things are actually good just overwhelming. I want to stop and relax. Read a book. Write a poem. Not think about Lit Theory, Medieval Lit, Advanced English Grammar, or Old Testament. I want to think about nothing. Here is to dreaming!

Back to Springdale/Fayetteville

It is very nice to be back in Springdale. I am loving it. I am finally starting to feel better too which is nice. We moved back here because Siloam isn't our place. We have no beefs (well major beefs) with JBU. Siloam just isn't for Heather and I. Nothing against it just not our place. We are going to commute to school. Yes, it is a lot of driving but people drive further than us everyday. Commuting honestly is the only viable option. We seriously were depressed in Siloam and there weren't many jobs. We have to do what is best for us. Which is moving back. Now, I need to find a part time job but no big deal. There are plenty of places in Fayetteville I want to work.

The Diagnosis is...

So, I don't have Mono! Heather and I are very excited. I had to have more blood work done today but no mono. So, what has been ailing me for a week? "A wicked bacteria infection" as the doctor called it. Apparently, strep isn't the only bacteria that causes tonsillitis. So, whatever bacteria I had was very anti-amoxicillian. The current antibiotic seems to be working. That is good news. I am still week but I did get the all clear to go to school on Monday! Heather and I are moving back to Fayetteville tomorrow too! Boo to Siloam Springs. We still like and are attending JBU.

Sickness... BOO!

So, guess who may have Mono? Me. So, last Thursday I started running a fever. Friday it got up to 102.6 and Tylenol/ Advil combo was not reducing it at all. So, Saturday Heather wanted to take me to the ER but I told her my doctor had a Saturday Clinic. We went there and waited. When the doctor finally saw me he was in and out. He said I had acute tonsilitis (sp?) and gave me a prescription for amoxcillian. However, it wasn't working. Tuesday morning I woke up and my fever was still 102.6. So, back to the doctor it was. We went to Heather's doctor (who by the way is the best doctor in the world) she did a strep test, a mono test, and a white blood cell count. The first two came back negative. The second showed a low count. Apparently, Mono takes a long time to show up in your system and is hard to test for. So, I have to go back to the doctor on Friday and depending on how my throat looks and how I feel they will test again for Mono. I am on lots of medicine so hopefully it will go away. Pray that Heather doesn't get it either.

God's little blessings...

50 dollar gift card to wal-mart in the mail. Wow, God works in amazing ways.

The Mask of Religiousity

I realize that I am not new to this world and that often people are hurt by people doing things in God's name. That bothers me. However, people who hide behind their religion and make decisions that profit them but say it was what God told them to do are just as bad. Maybe, they aren't killing in God's name. They ruin in God's name. These "ruiners" ruin lives, relationships, and sadly faiths. I want to know what gives someone the right to do things in God's name? Why don't we realize that when doing something ungodly it doesn't make it godly just because you say God told you to do it. I know I am being incredibly vague. I do that on purpose. People continually hurt people because they feel that their religion (let's be honest that is what it is. It isn't God) gives them this pontificating air. I am right because my religion says so. I can hurt you and not feel guilty because God is on my side. These statements are shallow. I want to know why. Is it entitlement? Where in the Bible does it say we are entitled to ride our proverbial high-horse? I think of lyrics to a song and I pray I remember them "let us not lift our souls to one another". God give us clean hands!

I find this funny...

Sadness...

I miss the "real" world. I mean JBU is cool and I am glad that Heather and I are getting to finish our education. However, after a week of classes it definitely feels like a bubble. What makes it this way? Well, I think the first thing is that while Siloam Springs is still in Northwest Arkansas it doesn't feel that way. I mean there are no bookstores or movie theatres. I feel that culture stops and things literally slow down. The second thing that the "Christian education" atmosphere is very new to me. I am a public school junkie. I am going in to English Education and I absolutely want to teach in public schools. So, I am adjusting. So, why am I sad? I feel very disconnected from church, from culture, from my life. I am being dramatic because clearly I have a life it is just in a weird place right now. I also feel that as far as my faith is concerned I have stepped back in to a world where people just don't get me. I need my Vintage fix more than once a week! I have tons of homework every night and I still need to find a job. I am just kind of waiting to see where and what I need to be doing.

School...Wednesday...Excitement?

So, Heather and I signed up for classes today. We are both excited and a little nervous. I am taking 17 hours this semester and next semester will be a Junior! I am taking some pretty hard English classes which should be fun. Heather is actually taking a class called "Behavioral Neuroscience". I am glad I married a smart lady because the title of that class alone frightens me. Oh well. So, we are both pretty excited about school but at the same time it will definitely require a lot of work. The job search will begin this week. Joy! Heather is going out of town too. Sadness. This is the first time we'll have been apart since we married. I know we'll be fine but still. I am going to spend the weekend with my parents. That will be interesting. Not in a bad way but interesting still. Heather is going to a Women of Faith conference. I know she will have a blast.

On a completely different note: I hate hold music. You know we have to hold could you please not play that "mu-zac" stuff? Or when it plays but cuts in and out. Seriously, holding is bad enough fix the music please.

Curve ball?

So, I have worked at the Christian Book Outlet in Fayetteville for the past five years. It has definitely been an interesting experience. I must say it has had some of the best ups and worst downs. I mean I met my wife there. That is something I never would have dreamed, imagined, or any other thing that I could do. I am without words when it comes to my appreciation of God in letting me meet my best friend there. Also, while working there I had a MAJOR crisis of faith. At one point I wanted to not even worry about God anymore because His followers that I saw on a day to day basis were a bunch of lying, mean-spirited, hypocrites. I know that is harsh but it was my construction of reality. I am way past that now but five years in one place isn't a lot in the grand scheme of things but for a 22 year old that is quite a commitment. This Wednesday is my last day. I have mixed emotions. I am so glad to be escaping "Christian" retail but I have to find a new job in Siloam Springs. I am sad and happy at the same time. A dichotomy of emotions. I know that God has His hand all over my life and if I just listen I know it will be alright. However, it is always easier to stand years ahead of your old self and weigh the decisions you made and see the divine plan. So, I guess as Tara Leigh Cobble says "Here's to hindsight".

So, what is this curve ball? Well, upon moving to Siloam I went to there local Christian bookstore. I am clearly qualified and they are looking for help. I guess I am glutton for punishment. So, I turn in my application and get a call for an interview a while later. I go to the interview and I meet the owner of this store. I am expecting a normal interview. However, once he asked me what church I attended it was all over. I said Vintage Fellowship with pride. He immediately told me that he hated the emergent church. He said that all emergent churches hated baptists. Which I didn't know we were supposed to. I guess Robb and Aaron left that out. He told me that all Pentecostals are heretics. This was all because he believed that he was a filter for truth. That is bookstore should only sell truth. I just found it hard to swallow that this interview turned in to religious bashing. You know Christians are already known for what they hate. When we hate each other what comes of it? I just pray to have a loving attitude in the whole situation. It has been hard. He did say they would be doing call backs this week. I am not holding my breath.

Umm... Life Changes Quickly.

So, I haven't blogged in a while. Why you may ask? Well, Heather and I up and moved to Siloam Springs. This brings up a whole slew of questions. We moved here to attend John Brown University. We are both excited because we are going to be able to finish school together. We really need prayers now that we would be able to get the rest of the loans we need and jobs to support our apartment and everything. We are very excited. We are still going to be attended Vintage because it if a freaking awesome church. I will blog more as now we have permanent internet! Whoo hoo!

A Beautiful Night

So, I don't know if you all know this but I have the most amazing wife in the world. Seriously, she is beautiful, smart, and fun. When we were first friends we used to drive all over North West Arkansas, listen to music, and just talk. We talked about everything. So, tonight we decided to have a kind of date night. We went to dinner and then saw Evan Almighty. In between dinner and the movie we drove around got some coffee and just hung out. I love hanging out with my wife. Then we saw Evan Almighty which turned out to be not so bad. This movie is kind of the modern day Noah's Ark stuff. Well, after the move we decided for the sake of old times to go to this really old one lane bridge in the middle of nowhere. So, we cranked up David Crowder Band's A Collision and headed out. As we were driving it was peaceful. It was actually cool enough for the windows to be down. THANK GOD! The smell of honey suckle filled the air. We drove by a little bunny as we praised God. Then a beautiful doe appeared out of the forest to greet us on our drive. Pleasantly, David Crowder's voice filled our car. We were having such a peaceful time. Then a dog ran full force after our car growling and barking. I was almost positive he was coming in the thing. However, we escaped this almost Kujo attack. This both scared us then made us laugh hysterically. The first night we ever went for a drive a dog scared us in almost the exact same way. It was an amazing night full of God's love and creatures and a wild dog.

It has been a while... AKA Enemy Number 1

So, it has been a while. Last week on Thursday Heather was at a book study she is doing through our church. Vintage Fellowship. It is awesome and everyone should go there. (Sidebar complete). So, I decided I would go and hang out with my parents and little brother. Well, my little brother has a razor scooter. These things are very fun right? WRONG!! O.K. actually they are fun. However, when you ride down a hill and try to use the break but hit the little trick bar. (If you look at the attached picture you will find the bar I am talking about.) Well, I hit that and I went flying. I slid on the sidewalk scuffed up my favorite shoes. I received a few "abrasions" as the doctor called them. Oh and I also twisted my knee really bad. Well, when Heather arrived home that evening I was hardly able to walk. When she came in though she immediately had to throw up. So, that evening was fun. EXTREMELY FUN! I couldn't take care of my sick wife and she couldn't take care of her gimpy husband.

Friday: So, Friday I am supposed to go to work but after lunch Heather and I decide that a trip to the doctor is in order and that the world of Christian retail can live without me for one day. Shocker I know! So, the doctor does X-rays and I didn't break anything. He tells me to stay off of it as much as possible. JOY! So, Heather pushes me around Wal-Mart in a wheel-chair so we can buy and ace bandage as the doc recommended. Like a good boy I stay off my knee but Friday at midnight is the release of the new Harry Potter. I can't miss that. Well, God bless my wife who doesn't really get the whole Potter-phenom took me to Wal-Mart and pushed me around again so I could by the seventh book. Well, because I am truly a dork I took off all weekend to read the book. That I did. I just had a great excuse to not get out of bed.

Thoughts on Harry: I am not going to ruin anything about the book because I think that is mean. I will say I was delighted and really enjoyed the final installment of the series. I wish J.K. Rowling all the luck in her next book as clearly she has amazing expectations to live up too. I wouldn't want those.

Thoughts...

I believe that William Blake made a reference to the “mind-forged manacles”. Sometimes, I like Blake have created my own chains. I have limited my abilities from what I can actually do to what is the easiest for me to do. I claim to be this artsy person who loves to write. However, when time comes for me to sit down and write on a novel or even this blog I hesitate. What causes this overwhelming desire to be quenched by less than mediocrity? Is it the fact that I want so much to be this person that I fantasize I am? Who am I truly? This is always a tough question. Am I a “mark of woe”? I don’t believe so but I swear sometimes I feel that way. Yet no one in my life would EVER have me truly believe this of myself. I hate that I expect too much of people. I hate that when they fail me that I become slightly bitter. I want to keep my Anne Frank perspective but at the same time want so much to hate the Nazis. I struggle with the dichotomy of my life. Why can’t I find the indelible? Then I think the indelible. That is much to clear for my mind that longs for the blurry haze of life. I said earlier I long for the grey. I long to search my mind, heart, and soul for my opinion and not just bow to the majority. Does this mean that I intentionally go against the grain just to be seen as different? Sometimes maybe but honestly that is never my intention. So, in life I choose to forge my own path like Emerson. I pray the only fetter is the one that binds my heart to God.

My quest...

Well today is my birthday. I decided that I wanted the book 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die. This book is clearly just someone's opinion. However, I think that it is a great way to read books I otherwise would have never heard of. So, the first book I picked of the list was entitled Crash (not to be confused with the Academy Award winning film). This book was written by J.G. Ballard. While this book probably would have never piqued my interest prior to this book. I decided to give it a try. The book is about people who obsess over car crashes and are aroused by them. Personally this is very foreign to me as I presume and hope it is to most people. The subject matter really had nothing to do with "autoeroticism" but rather the growing dependence on technology and perhaps even the fact that we seemingly are evolving in to creatures who can't function without technology. An interesting thought to say the least. I see some truth but hopefully we will never reach the level of "dependence" the characters in this book do. So, out of the 1001 books I have probably read 11 or 12 of them. I clearly have lots of reading to do. My next book will probably be On the Road by Jack Kerouac or A Room With a View by E.M. Forster.

Busy...

So, I promised pictures. I will eventually get them up. However, I have been super busy. So, I am about to turn 22 and that is pretty exciting. I love being married and my wife rocks my face off. So, I will try to blog soon. I am really trying to focus this summer on reading a lot of books. Especially since we are heading back to school. I want to read what I want. Peace.

The Wedding

So, the wedding was amazing! I will post some pictures from it as soon as I can. We had an amazing morning. Robb married us and did an amazing job. He is such a great guy. He had a rough weekend and was still right on. He spoke briefly about love and it was perfect. The reception was awesome too! My parents did a really great job setting it all up. It was great. We had such a great time. There was a bump in the road but God will handle it. We are wrapping up here and Portland and it is so awe inspiring. God totally out did himself here. It is gorgeous. So, pictures soon. I promise. Thanks!

The Story of Leopold...

So, last night or last blog I talked about the turtle Heather and I saved. Well, here is the story. We were driving to my parent's house and we saw a turtle in the road. So, Heather and her awesomeness decided we should save him. Then we did a u-turn and turned on the hazards. Heather got out and we put the newly named Leopold into a foam cooler I had in my trunk. We then brought him to my parent's house. We took his picture and freed him into the field behind the house. We hope he is happy. So, there it is the amazing story of Leopold.

Well, I am getting married on Saturday. So, I will blog later. Thanks!

Interesting...

This is really interesting to me.

I am getting married in two days that is why I haven't been blogging. I will try but the next week or so will probably be silent. We are going to Portland, Oregon for our honeymoon so I will try to post some amazing pictures. Oh and tomorrow I will try to post pics of leopold the turtle Heather and I saved.

Indulge Me

The hallowed light is not worshipped.
The halo comes blaring in my vision.
Racing towards me the yellow blends with grey.
The swirl of fog and rain is peaceful.
This angelic beast flying faster toward me.
The black rises gently under me.
My spirited vessel soars past theirs.
The hallowed light is not worshipped.

Big ol' pile of who the crap cares...

Apathy is my friend. When I get down or scared or stressed I just stop caring. This is sad. I am working on it. I think that because I normally care so much about everything and what people think of me that eventually when I get down in the dumps enough I just stop caring. Thankfully people around me care for me and they don't let me stop caring. God has blessed me in that area. So, I am going to try to care about...


...something.

The Book of Job...

When I was a kid I thought the book of Job in the Bible was the place you went to to find a job. Later in life when I read the book I realized how wrong I was. I read Job along with a play called J.B. I read these in high school. Hopefully you know the gist. God and Satan are chatting and Satan says that Job only praises God b/c of what he has. God who had blessed him abundantly said that Satan could do what he wanted with Job but couldn't kill Job. So, Satan does a lot of stuff to Job. For example he kills all of his children and takes away his life stock. Job's friends tell Job to "curse God and die". I often felt his friends were absolutely ridiculous. Today I heard about some people who are followers of God but have had everything thrown at them but still praise God. Today, for the first time I understood why someone would say "curse God and die". I personally wouldn't say it but when everything is falling apart in your world it feels like maybe you should. This shows me that so much more Job was this amazing man of God. How we should strive for that. Also, it helped remind me that cursing God is merely a cop out and despite what we are going through there is light even when it feels like there isn't. Praise God and live.

Grey is a beautiful thing

I think for the most part I have decided that I like grey. Black and White boggles me. So, I believe that I am going with grey. I just don't think everything is as black and white as some people like to make it. Maybe I am just too open to things I shouldn't be. Who knows?

Hanging with the boys...

I have never been one to just hang with the guys. I have always had guy friends but I just don't go out much. I have always prayed that God would give me a christian guy like me that I could look up to and ask tough questions of. I believe that this prayer has finally been answered. More on that in a later post. Anyway, today Heather had her bachelorette party. So, my dad, my little bro, and I went to dinner and saw a movie. We went to quizno's and then to see Spider-Man 3. Well, to be honest the movie was umm okay. I am not saying bad but I expected more. On the way back from the movie something awesome and odd happened. My dad, brother, and I sang together. This is weird because well my dad doesn't sing. I am pretty sure I have heard him sing like 3 times in my life. We sang a Johnny Cash song and it was quite awesome. Just thought I would share that. Oh and on my artsy fartsy side there was a preview for this new movie called Across the Universe and my artsy side was tingling! I hope we get it around here. Here is a link to the preview.

Thought I would share this...

So, I am not sure how many people actually know who Derek Webb is but I think he is pretty fantastic. He is an independent (sorta) christian artist who isn't afraid to speak against the "norm" of christianity. I appreciate his honesty. His new cd The Ringing Bell is pretty cool. One song immediately stuck out to me because of the lyrics. It is called A Savior on Capitol Hill:


I’m so tired of these mortal men
with their hands on their wallets and their hearts full of sin
scared of their enemies, scared of their friends
and always running for re-election
so come to DC if it be thy will
because we’ve never had a savior on Capitol Hill

you can always trust the devil or a politician
to be the devil or a politician
but beyond that friends you’d best beware
‘cause at the Pentagon bar they’re an inseparable pair
and as long as the lobbyists are paying their bills
we’ll never have a savior on Capitol Hill

[Bridge]
all of our problems gonna disappear
when we can whisper right in that President’s ear
he could walk right across the reflection pool
in his combat boots and ten thousand dollar suit

you can render unto Caesar everything that’s his
you can trust in his power to come to your defense
it’s the way of the world, the way of the gun
it’s the trading of an evil for a lesser one
so don’t hold your breath or your vote until
you think you’ve finally found a savior up on Capitol Hill

Really?

So, I just find life to be odd at moments. I mean it feels like at any point on any given day the world could shift and you will have to rethink everything. I am glad that God doesn't change. That is at least something to cling to. Recently, Heather and I have been trying to figure out where to finish school. We completely stressed ourselves out. Now, the two places we think it may be are very interesting. I am not saying which two because quite frankly everytime we seem to have a plan something happens. I think secretly I am leaning toward one. That is scary. Anyway. Life is fun. Thanks for reading!

So...

I know that not a lot of people read this but I want you to know if you live in NW Arkansas you should all go to Vintage Fellowship it rocks!

Rambling about art

So, I have had this thought permeating in my brain for the past few
days. I mean I love art. Art is a very vague word though. I mean there are 23 definitions on dictionary.com. I am more specifically talking about art as in writing,music,painting, dancing, so on and so forth. I just find it interesting that art is such a huge part of everyone's life. I think the art we favor is what we want out of our lives. Art is also what we don't want out of life. In writing you can destroy someone or you can build them up. Not only that but writing can tell some of the most amazing stories that interweave throughout our lives. I mean the writing aspect alone has countless dynamics and all sorts of "stuff" for a lack of better words. Music is invevitable in our lives. We hear certain songs and they bring us back to a place good or bad. What is also interesting is that paintings have such varied responses. I love Jackson Pollack's work. However, some look at it and see random paint thrown on a canvas. Abstract art teaches us something. How we feel about it says a lot about us. Some, see craziness mixed with chaos. Some see beauty in the mess. Others see a million different things. This is the thought that won't leave me alone. Art, in all forms, is telling a bigger story than just what it seems to say. I know that sounds somewhat obvious but really. When you put yourself in the "art" you find you but you also get to walk in someone else's shoes. What does this have to do with anything? Well honestly nothing. I just needed to write about it to leave my head.

Interesting...

So, I have just started this blog I know that. However, I have been reading Matthew Paul Turner's blog "Jesus needs new pr" and often get a good laugh and he is very informative. I will call him MPT for the sake of space. MPT is an author he has written many amusing books. The first I read was The Christian Culture Survival Guide this book is a laugh riot. Anyway his blog often points out some pretty interesting things. Apparently James Dobson can determine if you are a christian or not. Seriously, where can I get a "God-phone" ? I swear people have a direct line to God by the way they act. Oh well. I just hate how the term "christian" as become such a source of pain for people. In high-school I was the evangelical christian's golden child. I went to church and youth group every sunday. I was dedicated to reading christian books and the Bible (which is still a good thing). I only listened to "christian" music. I even started working at a christian bookstore. Basically, I was the person that now annoys me. I don't know when it happened but I am thankful to God that it did. I started thinking for myself. I believe that through working at a christian bookstore and two internships at different churches. I saw a side of the church I never realized existed. People lie. People treat other people like crap. People use church as leverage in jobs and political positions. Most of all I feel that a lot of christians have this sense of entitlement. Why do christians have to feel ashamed? Why is it us versus them? When did the grace that Jesus taught about become thrown aside for legalism? I am not saying I am perfect. I am just saying that I got to this point and the people who annoy me the most are "christians". This is tragic. I don't know how to fix it. I just know it isn't right. I mean I could come up with my solutions all day. What I know through evidence in the Bible is that Jesus met people's physical needs first. He didn't yell at the lady who had the abortion or the gay couple wanting to get married. He helped them. I realize I put two very modern issues in there. These are the two that for some reason the "evangelical" church have decided to harp on. So, now when I tell people I am a christian I immediately have to defend my faith not on what Jesus did but what christians do now. We are hurting one another. I think this is why MPT gets it. He is satirical but it gives the situation perspective. James Dobson CAN NOT KNOW THE HEART OF MAN OR WOMAN. HE IS NOT GOD. The fact that he makes those comments worries me. There are people dying every day because of unhealthy water. These are important issues. They say that twenty somethings are idealistic. That is true. Honestly, what is wrong with idealism? Why do people who have become bitter feel the need to destroy the idealism. Why do my seniors feel the need to harp on certain issues and bring me down because I think Jesus taught love?

So, check out jesus needs new pr.

Thursdays...

I have worked at CBO for four and a half years. Christian retail is very interesting. Very. As of late I feel I am just going through the motions there. I am getting married in May then more than likely moving to Ft. Smith to finish college. So, when I get a day off from there I am thrilled. I love spending time with my fiancee. It always feels like we only have nights together. So, thursdays are one of those rare days we get to spend time together. Today, was fantastic. I mean this morning was rough. I woke up and felt kinda of crappy. I let my dog outside. he did his buisness. Then I came upstairs to finish sleeping. When I finally got up it was 11:37. Why the exact time who knows. So, I let the dog out again and made lunch. I went back upstairs and ate. Then Heather (that is my fiancee) was supposed to be here at 1:00. So, I went down stairs to meet her and there I discovered dog poop. JOY! So, I had to clean up crap. That immediately put me in an unhappy mood. I know that happiness is a choice. So, Heather and I headed up to Rogers or Hell that is what we call it. We watched The Reaping. We both wanted to see it and matinees are cheap. I was pleasantly suprised. Here is a link to the trailer The Reaping. Then we went to where Heather is a nanny. Then we went to imaginative writing. There is started snowing. In April. I love snow. I realize that it probably won't stick but it is pretty. I just love it. So, after class we drove through the snow to my house. Then we started watching Scrubs. I just love this show. So, even though the day started with crap I got to spend it with the most amazing woman alive. Heather is such a blessing from God. Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Old Post from a Xanga.

So, I have decided that I like this "blogger" stuff much better than that "Xanga" nonsense. I don't know why I just do. I think it is the layout but not that matters at all. This is the first post on here so hello everyone. I am going to link to my old xanga because I don't want to rewrite all that on here. www.xanga.com/jbhart625