Sometimes, I don't know what to say. I know that this may come as a shock to those of you who know me but honestly it is true. When things happen that I don't understand or am confused by. I feel the need to speak up but never know what to say. I am a human defense system. I only let certain people in but I am very outgoing. I love meeting new people and being the center of attention. I would be lying if I said otherwise. Of course then there is that side of me where I am so scared that people might find out what I am thinking or what I am feeling and I want to run away to protect them.

There is something called an inner circle, well that is what my friend Jason calls it, where you only let certain people in on the intimate details of your life. I don't know about this. I mean there are probably four people in this group who I can totally open up to. This is just as scary though because now there are five people who know things I never wanted to admit to myself. So, for someone who loves all the attention; I have always longed for intimacy but relished in my shallow friendships. Does this make me a bad person or am I still too young to realize this is exactly what I need? I have always wanted a David-Johnathon friendship and those things are starting to happen in my life. I have this amazing wife. Yet I am scared. Mostly of myself and making that next step. Of course in the very core of what I am saying you find cliche and truth. Is life lived out and life lived in your head always going to be this dichotomy? Can the two ever truly come together? I want to want to live life to the fullest and I am in love with the idea of Carpe Diem but is it achievable? Does everyone need to know what is going on with me? Where is this line? Is it indelible or flexible? Is it all just one big lesson?

Hiding in a Word

So, I have not blogged for real in a while so here goes:

So, honestly I haven't felt very "churchy" lately. I don't even remember the last time I went to church. When I was in high school I went to church all the time. Then two internships later I was pretty much done. Then comes Vintage and it was exciting and new but then came complacency. Life butted in and church well it went further down on the list than God. I am not sure why it went but it just seemed easier to not go. I don't want to be asked how I am doing because I may just tell you. I don't want to pretend that God and I are on the best terms right now. I want to hide in my sin.

Honestly, we (church goers) all hide in our favorite word sin. Seriously, sin is the catch all. What would church look like if Christians could admit to themselves their sin and then have a place to openly admit their sin and I am speaking specifics. I read an article about this once in Relevant Magazine about how a teenage girl walks in to a church pregnant she can't hide her sin. However, the porn addicted pastor never has to let the congregation in on his sin. This word is his protection. Who is to blame? Well everyone really. I don't want you to know the intimate details of my sin life. The church doesn't really want to know them either. Well then what about that whole confess your sins to one another thing? I have two good guy friends who know my sin and the major struggles that come with my particular sin. They too share in my struggle. Is this following that biblical model? I just feel that sin is our cop out. Of course then again it protects us. I honestly think someone needs to know about your sin, all the details, before it blows up. Other than that I don't have the answers.

I could walk through the church doors and pretend that everything is okay but that makes me a liar. I don't want to break down in front of you. I am protecting myself. I lie to myself. It is easier for me to live in my world than even try to pretend in yours. Is Vintage like this? Not really but I see church as a place I dread. I once loved it but now it is this thing I don't want to do on Sunday mornings. I'll talk about God when I am ready. Life is tough and I guess you have to experience this to accept it. I just can't believe how angry, sad, torn up, and just devastated I become on a day to day basis. There is a war and honestly it is a hard one to fight. Harder than I ever knew it could be. I don't want to cry anymore about my sin, I want it gone. It doesn't work that way though does it? God, why not? Can't I just pray it away like the televangelists suggest? Can't I just ignore it? Why can't I have release...?

What would you do for a Klondike Bar?

Nothing!

Life

So, life is slowing down a little bit because the fall semester is over. It was a really tough one. I am hoping that everything balances out now. I will blog more later just glad things have finally calmed down.

Friends...

You know it is really nice to have them. I guess I didn't ever realize that until this past semester. Heather and I have met some great people at JBU. I now have guys that I can hang with and they know me really well. It is really cool. We only have 1 week left then finals. JOY!