So...

So, honestly I feel like God hates me sometimes. I know that that is completely illogical in theory but honestly. In my day to day life lately I feel like God is either completely absent or playing around like I am some pawn in His epic game of chess. So, I realize that I am sounding like a martyr but whatever. Honestly, I need to vent. I have always used writing as a tool. I feel like I am just fighting Him constantly. I am just tired. I am tired. Can I just say I am tired. I feel like God is picking on me. I know that He isn't vindictive but honestly I feel he is vindictive. I am just not happy with him. I can't be. I feel angry most of the time. I think He can take anger. What I don't think is good or healthy is how slowly but surely I am feeling completely numb towards Him. Why? No one ever told me how hard things were going to be. I demand honesty. Seriously, I am so tired of Christian sugar coating every loving thing. Guess what lying people? Things are not easy! Why on earth can people not be honest. I demand honesty. I want everyone to know that I know God loves me. However, knowing this and feeling it are two completely different things. Right now I feel completely lost. I feel like all this fighting and striving to live the "christian" life is in vain. That is right. I am the good kid who always did the "right" thing. Now, I am a man and feel like nothing I did was remotely worth it. It hurts so bad. I feel like a lot of good things are happening then I just wait for the rug to be pulled out. I finally have a good friend but I feel like I am doing most of the work in the relationship. I am third or fourth on his agenda. He'll squeeze me in if it is convenient. Seriously? Seriously? After 7 years of praying for a male friend I get one and I am trying to be a great friend and getting half assed efforts in return. Bull Shit! I finally find the perfect woman and my struggles almost jeopardize our marriage. Seriously. Bull Shit. I want to run away. I use to always joke about running to a cave in Ireland. Damn it I might just book the flight. Oh wait that would imply that I wasn't going to school and able to actually make money. Oh and then there is school. What a mess that is. Oh I love it there most of the time but it is really hard. Harder than they ever let on. Also, because H and I are married, transfer students, who live off campus we are a fucking enigma. It hurts. I just feel like we are fighting the world on everything and God left. I am pissed off. I don't get it. I wish because after hoping and praying wishing seems like the only thing left. I wish I felt like a whole human being. I wish I didn't feel like at every turn I was going to mess up. I wish I had more emotion than just anger. I want to cry because I am losing my grip. Hell who am I kidding? I haven't ever really had a grip. God could you please show me something? God please? I am begging you. Are my words really in VAIN?!