The Academy Awards

So, I thought John Stewart was a good host. He is funny and likable. I really enjoyed it. I honestly didn't get to watch most of the movies that were nominated for best picture. I actually only saw Juno. I was glad it won for best original screenplay. I was secretly hoping it would win best picture because comedies rarely do. Oh well. I guess I am going to have to go see No Country for Old Men since it did so well tonight. I will just have to wait and see. Well good night for now.

So...

So, honestly I feel like God hates me sometimes. I know that that is completely illogical in theory but honestly. In my day to day life lately I feel like God is either completely absent or playing around like I am some pawn in His epic game of chess. So, I realize that I am sounding like a martyr but whatever. Honestly, I need to vent. I have always used writing as a tool. I feel like I am just fighting Him constantly. I am just tired. I am tired. Can I just say I am tired. I feel like God is picking on me. I know that He isn't vindictive but honestly I feel he is vindictive. I am just not happy with him. I can't be. I feel angry most of the time. I think He can take anger. What I don't think is good or healthy is how slowly but surely I am feeling completely numb towards Him. Why? No one ever told me how hard things were going to be. I demand honesty. Seriously, I am so tired of Christian sugar coating every loving thing. Guess what lying people? Things are not easy! Why on earth can people not be honest. I demand honesty. I want everyone to know that I know God loves me. However, knowing this and feeling it are two completely different things. Right now I feel completely lost. I feel like all this fighting and striving to live the "christian" life is in vain. That is right. I am the good kid who always did the "right" thing. Now, I am a man and feel like nothing I did was remotely worth it. It hurts so bad. I feel like a lot of good things are happening then I just wait for the rug to be pulled out. I finally have a good friend but I feel like I am doing most of the work in the relationship. I am third or fourth on his agenda. He'll squeeze me in if it is convenient. Seriously? Seriously? After 7 years of praying for a male friend I get one and I am trying to be a great friend and getting half assed efforts in return. Bull Shit! I finally find the perfect woman and my struggles almost jeopardize our marriage. Seriously. Bull Shit. I want to run away. I use to always joke about running to a cave in Ireland. Damn it I might just book the flight. Oh wait that would imply that I wasn't going to school and able to actually make money. Oh and then there is school. What a mess that is. Oh I love it there most of the time but it is really hard. Harder than they ever let on. Also, because H and I are married, transfer students, who live off campus we are a fucking enigma. It hurts. I just feel like we are fighting the world on everything and God left. I am pissed off. I don't get it. I wish because after hoping and praying wishing seems like the only thing left. I wish I felt like a whole human being. I wish I didn't feel like at every turn I was going to mess up. I wish I had more emotion than just anger. I want to cry because I am losing my grip. Hell who am I kidding? I haven't ever really had a grip. God could you please show me something? God please? I am begging you. Are my words really in VAIN?!

I Got The Part!!

So, I am very excited. I tried for a play earlier this week and I got the lead guy part! There are only two characters so I am pretty excited. The play is the Stonewater Rapture and it is really intense. I am so excited to be back on the stage! I'll let you know more details about when and where the play will be when I know. Woo Hoo!!!

The Bookstore...

There were stacks of books everywhere. I saw shelves side by side oozing with knowledge. These stories weren't my own but their author was inviting me in. I could pick any book. The thick one about a Russian. The short play about the Donne Scholar who is struck with cancer. I find the one by the laguna tribe member inviting us to her Ceremony. Or I could pick up the strange looking one. The one that looks so familiar but yet so distant. The leather cover is worn but still young. The pages are from all different periods. I read stories that are mine. I quickly flip to the back in anticipation. There I find the words telling of a young man standing in a bookstore. I realize this is my book. I am scared, is it out there for anyone to read? Or am I priveleged to see the art being created? I look at the book and smile. Soon it will be full with more wonderful stories than I ever could imagine. I will come back to this book and reflect but for now I am going to fill its pages.

So, today was a really good day. Mondays are often viewed as bad days. I have never really understood this notion but it seems to be pretty common. I think that Monday is like any other day. We had an awesome New Testament class. Dr. Castleman was on the ball and just a really good class. I also found out today that I can audition for an upcoming student produced play. There are only two parts so I am not sure I'll get one but I haven't acted in a long time on stage. I think it has been at least two years since I tried out for anything. I am excited and nervous. The auditions are Wednesday so I hope to just get back in the swing of things. Woo Hoo!


So, I will blog more later!

Today is Valentine's Day... Yes! I finally have grasped the obvious!

So, today is Valentine's Day. People make a big deal about it. Not sure why. I was told yesterday by a friend that it serves as a day for men to do something nice. I think that is probably true to some degree. Heather and I try to have date nights weekly doesn't always happen but most of the time. So, we will do something tonight or this weekend like usual.

On a side note haven't felt like blogging much lately. Heather and I have been fighting off the Flu for the past couple of weeks. Of course we have to fight off every illness floating on the campus of John Brown University.

Speaking of JBU. This week we had Franklin Graham come to visit. He is Billy's son. He was a great story teller. However, JBU hyped it like crazy. So, it felt like it should have been more. Franklin is cool and all but a little to Southern Baptist for my taste. Of course I still love my little interdenominational school despite their attempts at chapel. They just seem to miss the mark. Often. Of course I love it here and I take the good with the bad.

So, Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

The Grammys

Well, I like award shows. I always have. The Grammys and the Academy Awards being my favorite. When I was younger I use to go to my room and watch them. My parents never really liked them. I am not sure what it is but I loved them. So, I was really excited that we were going to get an actual award show for the 50th Grammys. However, they were o.k. Nothing really was super fantastic. I mean they made this big deal about Amy Winehouse but really the girl needs help not an award. Kayne was okay and it was nice that he sang to his mom and all but with that ego I often wonder about him. They nixed many of the presentations for performances. Cool but I wanted some pretty awesome performances. The men seemed all but ignored this year too. Where was Justin Timberlake, Timbaland, and many others. So all in all they were okay.