Hiding in a Word

So, I have not blogged for real in a while so here goes:

So, honestly I haven't felt very "churchy" lately. I don't even remember the last time I went to church. When I was in high school I went to church all the time. Then two internships later I was pretty much done. Then comes Vintage and it was exciting and new but then came complacency. Life butted in and church well it went further down on the list than God. I am not sure why it went but it just seemed easier to not go. I don't want to be asked how I am doing because I may just tell you. I don't want to pretend that God and I are on the best terms right now. I want to hide in my sin.

Honestly, we (church goers) all hide in our favorite word sin. Seriously, sin is the catch all. What would church look like if Christians could admit to themselves their sin and then have a place to openly admit their sin and I am speaking specifics. I read an article about this once in Relevant Magazine about how a teenage girl walks in to a church pregnant she can't hide her sin. However, the porn addicted pastor never has to let the congregation in on his sin. This word is his protection. Who is to blame? Well everyone really. I don't want you to know the intimate details of my sin life. The church doesn't really want to know them either. Well then what about that whole confess your sins to one another thing? I have two good guy friends who know my sin and the major struggles that come with my particular sin. They too share in my struggle. Is this following that biblical model? I just feel that sin is our cop out. Of course then again it protects us. I honestly think someone needs to know about your sin, all the details, before it blows up. Other than that I don't have the answers.

I could walk through the church doors and pretend that everything is okay but that makes me a liar. I don't want to break down in front of you. I am protecting myself. I lie to myself. It is easier for me to live in my world than even try to pretend in yours. Is Vintage like this? Not really but I see church as a place I dread. I once loved it but now it is this thing I don't want to do on Sunday mornings. I'll talk about God when I am ready. Life is tough and I guess you have to experience this to accept it. I just can't believe how angry, sad, torn up, and just devastated I become on a day to day basis. There is a war and honestly it is a hard one to fight. Harder than I ever knew it could be. I don't want to cry anymore about my sin, I want it gone. It doesn't work that way though does it? God, why not? Can't I just pray it away like the televangelists suggest? Can't I just ignore it? Why can't I have release...?